Valentine’s Day is for lovers, and there’s no better way to express passion, love and lust than being cruelty-free.
Luckily, there are plenty of delicious, sexy and sensual ways to celebrate today that show you care about your partner, animals and the environment. Even better? All of these items should increase your chances of getting naked. And if they don’t, well, that’s on you.
Is your valentine one of those LA types with a crazy diet? If so, you’re in luck because, according to Folded Hills’ FAQ, all of its wines are organic, vegan, paleo and keto, which means there’s something for everyone who’s not in recovery. Go with the 2019 Adolphus Syrah, a “mineral-driven wine” described as having “aromatics of ripe black cherry, worn leather, and cherry pie” because there’s definitely a cherry pie joke to make somewhere in there.
PIZZANISTA!’s “heart-shaped crust colored black” pie with “activated charcoal” served in a heart-shaped box honors Joan Jett (who adorns the box) and is topped with Miyoko’s Kitchen mozzarella. BONUS: Having pizza and wine at home will make you seem like you’re going for an Italian theme when really you don’t want to admit you’re still worried about eating indoors. (pictured above)
Don’t skimp on dessert. Instead, purchase a $16 six-pack of macarons from LA-based Verón. The gluten-free treats come in pistachio, vanilla, lavender and rose, but it’s Valentine’s Day, so get the chocolate.
First things first: The Lennon Kimono Robe from niLuu costs $820. Still, robes are versatile items that can be worn before the main event as a teaser for what’s to come and as a loose garment for post-coitus bliss. For those on a tighter budget, niLuu offers the Noir Sleep Mask for $80 made with “PETA-approved vegan silk.” Both items refer to sleep and mattress, so whichever you choose, you’re welcome.
A 31-inch vegan leather flogger with a six-inch handle? Yes and please.
The great thing about The Natural Love Company’s Beginners Hampers is that you don’t have to be a beginner to appreciate its contents, which are designed “for clitoral and g-spot vibration stimulation.” The gift set comes with a “dual-ended and curved vibrating wand massager,” a “USB rechargeable mini bullet vibrator,” a “curved and double-ended glass dildo” and organic lube. The company ships using “discreet packaging,” but with that much fun, don’t you want to show off to the Amazon delivery person just a little bit?
Bijoux Indiscrets offers 10 lubes ranging from Finger Play Gel and Green Tea Natural Lubricant to Coconut Water-Based Lubricant and Anal Play Gel, all of which come in handy (pun indented) for those with partners and the unlucky who have to spend Valentine’s Day so, so alone.
Don’t be a jackass — wear a condom. Maude offers “ultra-thin, 100% natural latex” in large and what we can assume is a “not large” size, but it’s the brand’s “The Quickie” pack that makes the most sense for Valentine’s Day. For $10, you get two rubbers and one vial of organic lubricant. Consider buying a few of these if you’re young enough to need more than two rubbers for one night.
Baby Turns Blue’s apple skin vegan leather O-ring collar is ideal for those who like to play rough and for those who like to dress like every day they’re going to a Bauhaus show. (Often, these are the same people.)
Stay on top of the latest in L.A. food and culture. Sign up for our newsletters today.