Your 2013 Golden Globes Talking Points

Wanna discuss the Golden Globes but didn’t actually watch the show? No problem.

So you want to discuss the Golden Globes with your co-workers but you didn’t actually watch the show. No problem. Here are five memorable moments from last night’s telecast, so you’ll at least know why you’re dabbing a fake tear from your eye or pretending to laugh. (Full list of winners at the end of the post.)

5. Tina and Amy
We halfheartedly tried to maintain a list of who got more laughs, but early on it was clear that co-hosts and close friends Tina Fey and Amy Poehler were both funny as hell–and playing on the same team. That made it a win for audiences, who got an awards show that cracked along and found a balance between fawning over celebs and cracking jokes at their expense. Fey and Poehler did a great job as hosts, throwing in the occasional barb (Taylor Swift should stay away from Michael J. Fox’s son) and commenting at one point that this is what happens when you piss off the HFPA: you get asked to host the show two more times. (Ex: Ricky Gervais.) If anything, the show moved so fast, we didn’t get to see enough of Fey and Poehler. Also, Dog President was robbed.

4. Daniel Day-Lewis
Exhibiting the same noble tranquility that he showed onscreen as Abraham Lincoln, the Irish actor honored his fellow nominees and offered to timeshare his trophy with them. Then, thanking his wife, Rebecca Miller (daughter of playwright Arthur), Day-Lewis said, “When I go to work, Rebecca opens a window for me and I jump out into the night and hunt and scavenge, and at the end of it I come back and with whatever it is and drop it like a mouse at her feet and hope so much she’ll think that I’ve done a good thing.” But he reserved his most eloquent words for Lincoln’s screenwriter: “Tony Kushner, every day, I have to live without the immeasurable wealth of your language which reminds me every day of the impoverishment of my own.” Impoverished? Ha! He was easily one of the most eloquent winners of the night, possibly of the decade. Winning the Golden Globe for Best Actor, Drama makes Day-Lewis the favorite to win his third Best Actor Oscar, a rare feat that means only Katherine Hepburn, who won four Best Actress Oscars, would be ahead of him in the little golden man tally.

3. Stopping Time
Obviously celebs have access to a phalanx of trainers, dieticians, masseuses, facialists, nannies, stylists, makeup artists, and plastic surgeons. But beyond that, a handful of stars seem like they have actually harnessed the power to stop or reverse time. Salma Hayek looked as stunning as ever; even more amazing, her breasts look like they haven’t dropped a centimeter in the last decade. At age 50, Jodie Foster has biceps that most 20-year-old women would envy. And Clare Danes, who gave birth to her son in December, looked sleek and fit enough to compete in a triathlon. Sure, foundation garments and whatnot. But still. Somewhere in the Hollywood Hills there must be a fountain of youth that only a few A-listers have discovered.

2. Argo Wins Big
Ben Affleck brought us the major upset of the night when Argo won for Best Director and then again for Best Motion Picture, Drama, beating out Lincoln. Although Affleck says (and we believe him) that he wasn’t upset Argo didn’t receive an Oscar nod for Best Director, it’s a small but sweet taste of redemption.

1. Jodie Foster’s Speech
After being introduced by Robert Downey Jr.–who mentioned a Los Angeles magazine profile of the actress in his intro–Foster received the Cecil B. DeMille award for lifetime achievement, which is the one time the show’s producers won’t try to push an honoree offstage with a swelling music cue. In her lengthy acceptance speech, Foster may or may not have come out, may or may not have retired, and may or may not have tried to score a date. It was a confusing but beautiful soliloquy, leaving many viewers–both at the event and at home–misty eyed. (ABC has the full transcript; it’s worth reading.)

After teasing us with a lot of buildup, Foster declared, “So while I’m here being all confessional, I guess I have a sudden urge to say something that I’ve never really been able to air in public… I am single. Yes I am, I am single. No, I’m kidding—but I mean I’m not really kidding, but I’m kind of kidding.” Foster later thanked, “my ex-partner in love but righteous soul sister in life, my confessor, ski buddy, consigliere, most beloved BFF of 20 years, Cydney Bernard.” Their two teenage sons, Charles (14) and Kit (11), were in attendance, and Foster movingly paid tribute to “our modern family.”

The audio dropped out for a moment but came back just in time for Foster to say that she wasn’t going to do a “big coming-out speech tonight because I already did my coming out about a thousand years ago back in the Stone Age, in those very quaint days when a fragile young girl would open up to trusted friends and family and co-workers and then gradually, proudly to everyone who knew her, to everyone she actually met.” Foster, who has been in show business since she was three, was both funny and heartfelt when she talked about her struggle to find a normal life outside of the business. “I’m told, apparently, that every celebrity is expected to honor the details of their private life with a press conference, a fragrance and a prime-time reality show… If you had been a public figure from the time that you were a toddler, if you’d had to fight for a life that felt real and honest and normal against all odds, then maybe you too might value privacy above all else.”

In the moment that probably wrenched everyone’s hearts from their chest, Foster honored her mother, saying: “This brings me to the greatest influence of my life, my amazing mother, Evelyn. Mom, I know you’re inside those blue eyes somewhere and that there are so many things that you won’t understand tonight. But this is the only important one to take in: I love you, I love you, I love you. And I hope that if I say this three times, it will magically and perfectly enter into your soul, fill you with grace and the joy of knowing that you did good in this life. You’re a great mom. Please take that with you when you’re finally OK to go.”


BONUS: Jennifer Lawrence and Lena Dunham both gave very sweet acceptance speeches. In Dunham’s case, there were two: one that she gave on her own for Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical and another with the whole cast when Girls won Best Television Comedy or Musical. She was trembling and seemed genuinely overwhelmed during both.

DOUBLE-SECRET BONUS: According to Tweets from various members of the media, including our own behind-the-scenes correspondent Kari Mozena, backstage both Don Cheadle and Quentin Tarantino were dropping the N-word like it was going out of style.

TRIPLE BONUS: The best presenters of the evening? Widely acknowledged to be Kristen Wiig and Will Ferrell. They came onstage pretending to be wide-eyed newbies who didn’t know any of the films and were amazed to be at the awards show.

QUADRUPLE BONUS: In an otherwise funny and self-deprecating speech, outgoing HFPA president Aida Takla O’Reilly hit on Bradley Cooper. It was a joke but it was also awkward. Really awkward.

QUINTUPLE BONUS: Bill Clinton showed up to introduce Lincoln, one former president paying homage to another. In 30 years, who’s going to introduce the award-winning biopic about Clinton? More interestingly, who’s going to play the guy?

Best Supporting Actor
Christoph Waltz, Django Unchained
Alan Arkin, Argo
Leonardo DiCaprio, Django Unchained
Philip Seymour Hoffman, The Master
Tommy Lee Jones, Lincoln

Best Miniseries or Television Movie
Game Change
The Girl
Hatfields & McCoys
The Hour
Political Animals 

Best TV Drama
Breaking Bad
Boardwalk Empire
Downton Abbey
The Newsroom

Best Actor, Television Drama
Damien Lewis, Homeland
Bryan Cranston, Breaking Bad
Jon Hamm, Mad Men
Steve Buscemi, Boardwalk Empire
Jeff Daniels, The Newsroom

Best Actress, Miniseries
Julianne Moore, Game Change
Nicole Kidman, Hemingway & Gellhorn
Jessica Lange, American Horror Story
Sienna Miller, The Girl
Sigourney Weaver, Political Animals

Best Supporting Actress
Maggie Smith, Downton Abbey
Hayden Panettiere, Nashville
Archie Punjabi, The Good Wife
Sarah Paulson, American Horror Story
Sofia Vergara, Modern Family

Best Original Score
Mychael Danna, Life of Pi
Alexandre Desplat, Argo
Dario Marianelli, Anna Karenina
Tom Tywker, Reinhold Heil, Johnny Klimek, Cloud Atlas
John Williams, Lincoln

Best Original Song
“Skyfall” Skyfall
“For You” Act of Valor
“Not Running Anymore” Stand Up Guys
“Safe and Sound” The Hunger Games
“Suddenly” Les Miserables 

Best Actor, Miniseries
Kevin Costner, Hatfields & McCoys
Benedict Cumberbatch, Sherlock
Woody Harrelson, Game Change
Toby Jones, The Girl
Clive Owen, Hemingway & Gelhorn

Best Actress, Musical or Comedy
Jennifer Lawrence, Silver Linings Playbook
Emily Blunt, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Judi Dench, The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Maggie Smith, Quartet
Meryl Streep, Hope Springs

Best Supporting Actor
Ed Harris, Game Change
Max Greenfield, New Girl
Danny Huston, Magic City
Mandy Patinkin, Homeland
Eric Stonestreet, Modern Family

Best Supporting Actress
Anne Hathaway, Les Miserables
Amy Adams, The Master
Sally Field, Lincoln
Helen Hunt, The Sessions
Nicole Kidman, The Paperboy 

Best Screenplay
Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained
Mark Boal, Zero Dark Thirty
Tony Kushner, Lincoln
David O. Russell, Silver Linings Playbook
Chris Terrio, Argo

Best Actor, Television Comedy or Musical
Don Cheadle, House of Lies
Alec Baldwin, 30 Rock
Louis C.K., Louie
Matt LeBlanc, Episodes
Jim Parsons, The Big Bang Theory

Foreign Language Film
A Royal Affair
The Intouchables
Rust and Bone

Best Actress, Television Drama
Claire Danes, Homeland
Connie Briton, Nashville
Glenn Close, Damages
Michelle Dockery, Downton Abbey
Juliana Margulies, The Good Wife

Best Animated Feature
Hotel Transvylvania
Rise of the Guardians
Wreck-It Ralph

Best Actress, Television Comedy or Musical
Lena Dunham, Girls
Zooey Deschanel, New Girl
Julia-Louis Dreyfus, Veep
Tina Fey, 30 Rock
Amy Poehler, Parks and Recreation

Best Director
Ben Affleck, Argo
Kathryn Bigelow, Zero Dark Thirty
Ang Lee, Life of Pi
Steven Spielberg, Lincoln
Quentin Tarantino, Django Unchained

Best Television Comedy or Musical
The Big Bang Theory
Modern Family

Best Actor, Musical or Comedy
Hugh Jackman, Les Miserables
Jack Black, Bernie
Bradley Cooper, Silver Linings Playbook
Ewan McGregor, Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Bill Murray, Hyde Park on Hudson

Best Picture, Musical or Comedy
Les Miserables
The Best Exotic Marigold Hotel
Moonrise Kindgom
Salmon Fishing in the Yemen
Silver Linings Playbook

Best Actress, Drama
Jessica Chastain, Zero Dark Thirty
Marion Cotillard, Rust and Bone
Helen Mirren, Hitchcock
Naomi Watts, The Impossible
Rachel Weisz, The Deep Blue Sea

Best Actor, Drama
Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln
Richard Gere, Arbitrage
John Hawkes, The Sessions
Joaquin Phoenix, The Master
Denzel Washington, Flight

Best Picture, Drama
Django Unchained
Life of Pi
Zero Dark Thirty