Time-out, Please!

Mornings are anything but routine when you’ve got kids. SNL alum Molly Shannon charts the chaos

Breakfast number one starts at 6:30. I pour myself a cup of coffee. Then it’s on to the kids. My son is six and my daughter is seven, and for them it’s just cereal and occasionally some scrambled eggs or turkey bacon. I’m always sizzling up turkey bacon—it’s my specialty. If I try to make anything else, I’ll hear, “No! Only let Daddy make it!” Daddy cooks things slowly, whereas I tend to catch things on fire. Except the turkey bacon. Twenty minutes before we leave I scramble to get dressed while shouting at the kids to hurry up. The kids: “I can’t find my shoes!” Me: “Come brush your teeth!” We’re finally in the car, and then the questions start. “Mommy, would you die if your head got chopped off?” “Mommy, when you were little, were you Jewish?” What?! About two minutes into the trip they whine that they’re hungry again. Time for breakfast number two. It starts at this bagel place in my neighborhood. We order a poppy seed with cream cheese for my son, and while we’re waiting we walk down to Starbucks, where they always have the day’s second coffee waiting for me: a Venti percent latte with two shots instead of one. We’ll hit Jamba Juice for a smoothie and pile into the car in order to finish eating by the time we get to school—late, of course. Shannon’s first children’s book, Tilly the Trickster, is due out this month from Abrams Books. 

Illustration by Kyle T. Webster