Xenu was the kind of guy who spelled his name one way but made you pronounce it another way (ZEE-moo). He was a dictator of 76 planets who conducted a mass extermination of billions of inhabitants on a planet called Teegeeack. (Seventy-five million years later we call this planet “Earth.”) Xenu packed his victims into refrigerated units on planes, placed hydrogen bombs in Teegeeack’s volcanoes, and flew the planes into the volcanoes. The disembodied spiritual remnants of his victims—thetans—were forced to watch 3-D movies. Now all Angelenos are coated in that sad thetan residue, which holds us back from our full potential. Or so L. Ron Hubbard said when he created Scientology in 1953, fashioning L.A. into an intergalactic Jerusalem.