Can You Decipher Chevy’s All-Emoji Press Release?

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Microsoft Word - 0828-Chevrolet-Cruze-3-Million.docxTo drum up excitement for the 2016 Cruze, Chevy just disseminated a press release entirely constructed of emojis — the digital images used for shorthand in texts and social media communication.

Chevy said they’ll have a translation available tomorrow morning, but it’s clear the Cruze will provide endless hours of game-playing, bread-eating, and high heel-wearing. Jalopnik took a jab at getting to the bottom of this thing:

“City car music, stop. Negative time throughout cities is drama. A new car hatches with love. Switch into your phone, bowl the hypotenuse, and add gasoline to basketballs. Sporting goods ride bikes. Yes, new bread gets all dolled up to see a twin-Playboy bunny burlesque, text all the boys and girls from your phone. Car texts the businessman in his necktie, ‘New car idea is above Earth.'”

We have to give props to Chevy for this publicity-generator (guilty!), but as one Jalopnik commenter posited: is it more desperate than the Chevy Volt song and break dance?