In honor of the 13th season of Bravo’s beloved cooking competition show running up and down the California coast, we shall, every week, outline the 10 (get it?) things we learned from watching each episode. Last night’s episode of Top Chef taught us plenty. Here, our top 10 learnable moments:
10. Celery is stupid
It tastes like farts and the cheftestants were right to criticize Jason for picking it.
9. When Top Chef debuted in 2006, MySpace was the most popular website on Earth.
Yeah… let that one sink in.
8. Jeremy Ford loves raw meat, would open the world’s best carpaccio-only restaurant
Maybe he can’t figure out how to turn on the Top Chef kitchen stoves and he’s too embarrassed to ask for help. Fire or no fire, he’s been slaying the competition.
7. Carl makes inappropriate footwear choices
You walked into a kitchen in flip flops and asked for a job? Are you trying to prove you’re a liability from day one? I mean, it worked out, but still.
6. Cook sad, taste sad
Kwame seemed like he was going through some real emotional stuff, so he definitely gets a pass. But, damn, how sad did that broccoli look?
5. It may be a cooking competition show, but Top Chef will get you right in the feels
Between Chad and his sobriety, Kwame and his lost relationship with his father, and Amar’s former boss who has ALS—who Tom and Michael Voltaggio both share fond memories of—this episode got emotional. And not Bravo-manufactured “he stole my pea puree” emotional, but the kind of emotional that makes you realize these are real people and not dancing TV puppets with knives and immersion blenders here solely for our entertainment.
4. PFL seems very confused
By everything, really. Phillip, my man—The Valley’s native son—you’re overthinking it. It’s just food. Now go out there and cook the way you were born to cook and win this thing for L.A. (disregarding the fact that all this took place like 8 months ago).
3. There needs to be an enforced penalty for ingredient hoarding
Carl, you dick! You knew you didn’t need all those tomatoes, and now the world knows it. This is straight out of John Tesar’s playbook—a playbook you never want to be associated with—when he tried to hoard all the pickles in season 10 episode 9 during the sudden death burger cookoff against Lizzie.
2. Tom Colicchio grits his teeth every time he has to shamelessly advertise whatever condiment is currently sponsoring Last Chance Kitchen
Seriously, watch for it next time (brought to you by Soy Vay Teriyaki sauce).
1. Nancy Silverton claims to know of a pasta marriage counselor
But a quick Craig’s List search reveals that’s not a real thing.