In honor of the 13th season of Bravo’s beloved cooking competition show running up and down the California coast, we shall, every week, outline the 10 (get it?) things we learned from watching each episode. Last night’s episode of Top Chef taught us plenty. Here, our top 10 learnable moments:
10. Time is not linear
Neal Fraser’s Beefsteak is going down next Saturday and last year’s Beefsteak went down in late January. But they showed Neal Fraser’s Beefsteak on Top Chef which was shot sometime in May. But then how… when… what?
9. Beefsteak is a thing
Did you know that? We didn’t. Did you also know that Beefsteak was an important fundraising device in maintaining the mid-19th century Democratic party’s political machine? Or that when Tammany Hall’s influence plummeted because of widespread corruption and fraud, so too did the cultural influence of Beefsteak? Yeah, us neither. Wikipedia is the best.
8. The best side dish for sausage is sexual innuendo
There are kids watching this show, you animals.
7. PFL got his groove back
PUT THE CITY ON YOUR BACK PFL!
6. There lies beauty in mangled cans of SPAM
Carl’s grotesquely beautiful SPAM can garden was some unapologetic futurist-meets-dadaist brilliance. Who did Karen pay off to win that quickfire? Was it you, Padma!?!
5. Top Chef’s social media #engagement is #onfleek
First Bravo makes you go to their website after every episode for Last Chance Kitchen. Now they make you vote on Instagram to choose the quickfire winner. They’re one step away from hosting six-second cookoffs on Vine (which is more than enough time for Jeremy to bang out a perfect crudo).
4. Isaac may be the first cheftestant to stab someone on air
“People who say they eat with their eyes first should be stabbed with a pork-chop bone,” says Isaac. PFL, bro, sleep with one eye open.
3. Spray cheese is the OG espuma
No, I’m not eating Easy Cheese at my desk, I’m blazing a trail for neomolecular gastronomy.
2. Chicken sausage sucks
The greatest trick the devil ever played was convincing us that zucchini noodles, oven-fried fried chicken, and poultry sausage are as good as the real deal.
1. We should all be saying soigné more
“Wow, what an elegant, soigné new sweater that is, Carol.”
“Soigné work on that spreadsheet last week, James. You’ll be middle management in no time.”
“Pockets, if you don’t start keeping your litter box more soigné, we’re going to make you live in the driveway.”