Inescapable: Death, Taxes & Drinking Deals

Tell me how you do your taxes, and I’ll tell you what to drink

Today is Tax Day, and though most people would rather scrape gum off the sidewalk than face Uncle Sam, April 15 has become an unofficial drinking holiday and, as such, should be honored. Whether you’re getting a refund or, gulp, the opposite, you’re gonna want to drink. For your convenience, I’ve paired today’s Tax Day drink deals with the most common filing methods. How much you’ll need to drink to forget your tax worries is entirely up to you.

Your dad did your taxes: OK, actually, then you’re too young for this post. Move it along, there’s nothing to see here, kiddo.

Your Nana’s bookkeeper filed your taxes a few weeks ago: Chances are ol’ Mr. By-the-Book will be super conservative with your taxes to throw the IRS off your scent. So you’ll probably owe. The 1933 Group bars will help you drink those worries away with its $1 drink specials from 7 to 9 p.m. Each bar will feature its own specialty cocktail for only a buck, like Oldfield’s Liquor Room’s “Triangle Revolt” with spiced rum, Laird’s apple brandy, lime juice, pineapple gomme syrup and apple and Angostura bitters. Or La Cuevita has “The Write-Off” with strawberry and basil-infused vodka, lime juice and soda. (Small print: Patrons may order only one drink at a time and the special is on only while supplies last.)

You filed at home with TurboTax: Ideally, you were drinking while this happened. At home, alone with your monitor, with your cat curled up nearby. For those who will be stuck at home tonight trying to file their taxes before the midnight deadline, tomorrow Colorado Wine Company in Eagle Rock will be offering the retail tax rate of 9% off every single glass, pint and bottle of libation. 

Hasn’t every one of your friends told you not to file with H&R Block? If you’re one of the 600,000 H&R Block customers whose tax refund is delayed, seek comfort at Hungry Cat. The Hollywood, Santa Monica and Santa Barbara locations will have an all-day happy hour with half-priced wine, beer and cocktails as well as $2 Miller High Life and a specialty Tax Day cocktail. “The Write-Off,” made of Premier VSOP brandy, fresh squeezed caracara orange juice, lemon juice and simple syrup will be $6.50.

Your best friend is a CPA: Lucky bastard. You know someone who is well versed in every tax law and now you’re getting a big, fat refund. Needless to say, drinks are on you. Hollywood’s The Bowery gastropub is giving away a free “Refund” drink — any well drink of your choosing — when you buy an appetizer and lunch or dinner entree. 

You did them yourself back in January: You’re a rare creature. No last-minute scrambling for you. I hate you. But go on and toast your smug self. Napa Valley Grille in Westwood has a couple of Tax Day-themed cocktails for either tax scenario: the potent “Bitter Send-Off” ($9) with Rittenhouse Rye, Aperol, simple syrup, lemon and mint and the light “Sweet Return” ($12) with Leblon Cachaca, muddled strawberries, lime juice and sugar. Or hit up Plan Check in West L.A. for $8 drink specials: “Gamma Ray” with Pisco Porton, Midori, orgeat, lemon and lime or the “Strawberry Tequila Daisy” with Blanco Agave, lime and muddled strawberries.