Dear Portland: Keep Your Stupid Novelty Doughnuts

Voodoo Doughnuts, home of the cream-filled Cock-N-Balls doughnut (yes, really), comes to Universal City Walk this fall

It was naive to think that we could stay in the honeymoon phase forever. I mean, the relationship was bound to fall apart eventually—neither of us were in it for the long haul, we both knew that. And we were ok with it. We told each other we wanted it that way. No strings attached, right? I just didn’t think it would happen so fast.

We had some good times though. All those buttermilk old-fashioneds at sunrise and lavender ice cream cones at sunset. Remember that time we got messed up off Chang beer and ate like 30 fish sauce wings at midnight? I do. And then you threw it all away by bringing Voodoo Doughnuts into the mix.

Why, Portland? Why did you do this? You gave L.A. three absolute bangers in Pok Pok, Blue Star, and Salt & Straw, and then go and throw us a place that got famous via Travel Channel shows for sticking pretzels into anthropomorphized fried dough? Get it? It’s a voodoo doll! Because Voodoo Doughnuts!

We don’t need more kitschy baked goods in L.A.—we have the doughnuts-topped-with-silly-things lane covered better than any city in America—and we certainly don’t need a cream-filled “Cock-N-Balls” doughnut (it totally should have been called a “dicknut” anyways). 

Maybe it’s our fault for holding you on such a high pedestal, Portland. Maybe it was selfish of us to think that we could take your good without accepting your bad. Maybe this is all a gross overreaction to a theme park adding in a money-making turnkey tourist trap. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less.

We’re not breaking up with you, Portland. We just need a little time to cool off.