All the Celebrities We Didn’t See at In-N-Out on Oscars Night

Five hours of camping out at the Hollywood location and all we got was this stupid Double-Double

“I could get a double-double. Who knows what could happen!” Brie Larson said that about three hours before she gave her Best Actress acceptance speech. I didn’t watch her say it because I was already in an Uber en route to the In-N-Out on Sunset, about a quarter mile away from where the Academy Awards were being held at the Dolby Theatre.

The plan was simple: Grab a burger (chopped chilies, whole grilled), pop a squat at a table, then wait for five hours as In-N-Out-obsessed stars poured in to get their post-Oscars Animal Style fix. Katy Perry smuggled In-N-Out into the Golden Globes, Adele went there after the Grammys, and now Brie-freaking-Larson name drops them before the Oscars? It was totally fool-proof—until everything got derailed by Vanity Fair. Damn you, VF, damn you and your unrivaled afterparty elegance.

Brie Larson would get her well deserved burger after all, but that’s because In-N-Out catered Vanity Fair‘s swanky Beverly Hills soirée. So there I was, nibbling on a single order of cold fries for five hours trying to sneak pictures of anyone that walked through the door in a gown or tux while all the real celebrities were noshing on In-N-Out six miles away from my overt creepiness. Worst Oscars Sunday ever.

A photo posted by Brie (@brielarson) on

I didn’t catch snapshots of any A-listers—or B, or C, or D for that matter—but I’ll be damned if I waste a good half-day In-N-Out stakeout. These are pictures of all the celebrities that I didn’t see.

If Eva Longoria was ever at In-N-Out while definitely not being Eva Longoria, this is what she might look like.

There is a zero-percent shot that this is Michael Keaton. But it’s fun to dream.

Look at how well not-Alejandro Iñárritu wears this tuxedo. Just stunning.

This guy could be anyone, really. That means he could even be Lord of the Rings trilogy director Peter Jackson. 

Even though this man is in a tuxedo, he is not Quentin Tarantino.

For a solid twenty minutes, we were convinced this was Andrew Garfield (as of publishing time, this has neither been confirmed nor denied).

Though this may not be Vin Diesel, he did order his fries well-done. Vin Diesel might also do that.

Do you know what composer John Williams looks like? Neither do we. This could be him, standing next to a dead ringer for someone maybe related to Miles Teller.

And it was all worth it when the real-life Leonardo DiCaprio sat down. Congrats on the big win, buddy. You earned it.