The Best and Worst of the Week in Tabloid Culture

Andy Cohen talks SJP’s head; Erika Jayne is thirsty — These and more of the stories you may have missed or wish you had.
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Ol’ Gray Mares

Bravo boss Andy Cohen got in some sweet virtue signaling this week after people noticed some stray grays in the locks of his pal Sarah Jessica Parker while they were dining privately—outdoors, at Anton’s in the West Village, in November.

“We were at lunch and there was a paparazzi, and she’s sitting next to me, white hair,” the white-headed Real Housewives Frankenstein told Drew Barrymore  on that show Thursday. ‘All the articles were ‘Sarah Jessica Parker, she’s going gray’ and ‘She looks old,’ and it was insanity.”

What’s insane about reporting that a world-famous human who’s made a career as a barometer of American femininity since the 1990s had gone without a touchup?

“Here she is sitting next to me, who’s gray,” Cohen explained. “And people just missed the mark totally. It was so misogynistic.”

Coincidentally, misogyny was also the reason photographers snapped all those photos of Liz Montgomery when Paul Lynde was right next to her.

The Sex and the City star personally made her case in this month’s Vogue cover story, telling that army of brittles, “It almost feels as if people don’t want us to be perfectly OK with where we are.”

Yes, Parker, it almost feels as if that’s exactly what people don’t want for you. [Page Six]

Erika Jayne attends the 2021 MTV Movie & TV Awards: UNSCRIPTED in Los Angeles, California. (Photo by Kevin Mazur/2021 MTV Movie and TV Awards/Getty Images for MTV/ViacomCBS)

When She Gets to the Bottom…

One of Cohen’s Housewives, Erika Jayne, meanwhile, confirmed to fellow RHOB star and Extra correspondent Teddi Mellencamp on Wednesday that she’s starving for fresh sinews now that she’s finished with her 82-year-old ex, accused Los Angeles grifter-attorney Tom Girardi.

If you want to know what the 50 y-o “How Many Fucks?” nightingale is packing relationshipwise, she dares you to, “Slide into my DMs and find out.”

But be warned. This time, Erika is looking for “a guy with money” —which would certainly help her out in that $25,000,000 lawsuit she’s facing, though she’s denied knowing anything of Tom’s alleged scheme to bilk the families of Boeing 737 Max air disaster victims out of their settlements.

Erika also says her man should be an intellect, not younger than 25, adding that looks aren’t that important.

Hey, five-out-of-five stars on Wikifeet ain’t too shabby, so we wondered if she might be interested in a 47-year-old with limited earning potential who was rated “fairly above average” in a 1981 I.Q. test administered by their then-psychologist father.

Ms. Jayne has not responded to our DM.

At the Movies

Now that Disney’s Eternals is officially the worst MCU movie ever made  (and global megacorps would never try desperately to manipulate the audience score at Rotten Tomatoes), it’s considered bad cricket to note that director Chloe Zhao’s only other bigish feature was a pious piece of poverty porn. Luckily, Screen Rant’s eagerly awaited “Pitch Meeting” take on the flick arrived this week to describe the smattering of lead characters to the uninitiated:

“We’re talking a speedster, a lady with ancient weapons, a super-strong guy that flies and shoots beams from his eyes… We’ve got Sersi and Ikaris… and Thena, and Gilgamesh… And also Kingo and Karun, and that’s it for the characters… Other than Sprite and Druig. So those are the Eternals—also Ajak and Phastos.”

“Okay, so you have enough time to introduce and develop all those characters?”

“Maybe!”

Get Smarter

Conservative Brown University Economics professor Glenn Loury, New York Times opinion refugee Bari Weiss and some other big-brained academic trouble-makers are launching the University of Austin (UATX if you’re down) to fight for free speech and against what they call “the illiberalism and censoriousness prevalent in America’s most prestigious universities.”

Neat! After all, Austin has been the home of fake new music, food and culture scenes roughly once a decade since the 1980s—so why not whatever this is? Plus, Joe Rogan’s gone full beast-mode pushing it as a national comedy destination, and even insufferable AI Elon Musk thinks it’s the place to be now that LA couldn’t be more sick of his weird bullshit.

Yet Loury—who we hope really is finally writing his memoirs, like he says he’s doing—hopped on Twitter to preemptively declare that the new U. is no scam.

“Reiterating: I’m proud of my association with UATX. I’m with Naill Ferguson on this one — and, grifters we’re not. Comparisons to Trump Univ., Prager Univ. and Univ. of Phoenix are wholly unwarranted. Dismiss us if you will, but we’re serious about this.”

Dude, who said you weren’t?

We Wouldn’t Know But…

Friends of ours are saying that with fentanyl deaths up 1,000 percent in Orange County and 1,513 percent across California since 2016—and DAs fixing to charge dealers with murder for some of those fatalities—tests to detect the presence of the party-killing synthetic opioid in otherwise innocent cocaine and heroin are flying off the shelves at the E-retail juggernaut of your choice.

Both urine tests as well as tests to detect the presence of fentanyl in powder and liquids are selling speedily, we’re told, but if you’re testing your piss you might already be too late.

That said, our source informs us that, as of 4:09 a.m. last night in whatever their time zone, there were only six Single Panel Urine Strip tests still in stock, with an arrival window not earlier than November 18 to 24.

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