Recap: The Bachelorette, Episode 7

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Hola, Portugal!
This week Ali is down to five suitors, a couple of miniskirts, and just a few hard working bobby pins to keep her hair extensions (which aren’t traveling as well as the rest of the group) tied back.

After a couple wide shots to establish location, Chris Harrison sets the schedule for the week, which includes four (rose-less) dates and a rose ceremony. “You have all traveled far to fall in love with Ali,” he tells the guys. “The four of you who receive roses will get to take Ali home to meet your family, a big step for any relationship.” Exciting! Or, as Kirk puts it, “Trilling… It’s about who’s the best compatible.”

Roberto, Come Be the King of My Castle
The first date is with Roberto, and Frank thinks Ali’s date card is “cute and romantic.” It’s neither. But that’s okay, Frank could totally still make it as a screenwriter when he grows up, and Ali’s off in a green tank, a sparkly green micro mini, and nude flats that make it look like she’s barefoot hobbling around the cobblestone streets of Lisbon with Roberto and a digital camera. What, a camera crew isn’t always enough! They jump off benches, make funny faces and dance in the streets (Roberto “can’t help but dance” when he hears music) before taking a cable car (Ali: “It’s just like San Francisco!”) to a gorgeous view where they get down to the requisite pre-hometown date discussion about “what it will be like” if/when Ali meets his family. Roberto assures Ali he’s excited about introducing her to his parents and in return, Ali assures Roberto she’ll never cook for him. Ever. While Roberto’s processing the news—and planning his next meal—Ali delivers this takeaway of the date: “Life may not be a fairy tale. But love can be.” 

Let’s Find Our Future in the Past
Next up, a two-on-one date with Ty and Frank, who considers Ty to be his greatest competition and whose serial-killer-look practice is really starting to pay off. The threesome heads off on a helicopter tour of Lisbon. (Ed note. Yes, Ali’s supposedly still afraid of flying. And yes, it’s highly plausible that drugs are, at this point, involved in calming her nerves because…) Back on the ground and seated awkwardly between Frank and Ty for dinner, Ali proceeds to have a mini meltdown, putting on, then taking off, then putting on, and then taking off her poor black leather jacket like she’s trying to fit in an upper body workout between courses.  Seemingly unknowing what else to do, Ali finally opts for some cardio, pulling Ty aside for a little one-on-one time down the street.  She asks Ty what his family will think of her modern, career-woman values. He tells her flatly, “I want somebody who wants something.” Cheap Trick fans everywhere roll their eyes. He was so close!

Before long, Ali’s back outside, but this time she’s with Frank—and LE OTHER SHOE IS ABOUT TO DROP! That’s right, Frank’s decided to clear up that whole “I lived in Paris”/”I live with my parents” mishap from night one. “There’s one thing I need to tell Ali tonight,” he tells the camera with a straight face, “and that’s that I live at home with my parents.” Ha! Haha! Hahaha! Right? Except, whatever Ali took for that helicopter ride is really kicking in, and, after biting her lip to keep from crying? laughing? regurgitating? eating Frank? interrupting, Ali kisses Frank—a big, passionate, I-don’t-care-where-you-live kiss that shocks Frank into saying, “We could live in this here tree”—and then Ali, going for a full episode of The Soup, ups the ante by getting into the tree and unbuttoning Frank’s shirt between kisses. “I don’t care-uh where Frank izz,” she slurs, “I like Frank for who he izzz…” 

Once Upon a Time
Perhaps unsurprisingly, Ali’s not feeling so hot on her one-on-one date with Kirk the next day. “I am trying to just enjoy the day,” she explains, “but I have so much on my mind.” Uh huh. What it all means, despite Chris L.’s in-depth interpretation of the date card (“it’s a fairy tale kind of thing”), is that Ali and Kirk go for a ride in a horse drawn carriage and amble about a historic castle without much excitement to report. Over a private dinner on the roof, Ali lets Kirk know that she worries “I won’t be good enough one day,” and he makes everything better by reminding her that he almost died and by reassuring her that he deserves love and happiness. Compared to Crazy Eyed Killer Frank, it’s sweet stuff, and the perfect lead in to a midnight serenade by Diane Von Furstenberg’s Portuguese sister and two guitar players who’ve been planted on the palace steps. Bravo!

Love Gets Better With Age
At last it’s time for Ali’s final date of the week: a moped ride and winery tour with landscaper Chris L. “Chris was going pretty slow on the scooter,” Ali tells the cameras mid-date, “Sort of like our relationship.” Burn! Or wicked burn, as he would say. Never mind that Chris was trying “not to be the dude who kills the Bachelorette.” Ali, being slightly less considerate with his life, hops into the driver’s seat and rushes them to the winery, “the perfect place to let loose” (don’t we know it!). There, Chris gives Ali a bracelet just like one his dad once gave to his mom, and “takes a big step” forward in their relationship. It’s good news for Ali, who seems genuinely touched by his gift and relaxed, and it’s good news for Chris, who gets to roll around on the grounds with her. It’s bad news for the winery, which, despite having a professional landscaper on hand, ends up with some seriously rumpled grass.

It’s rose ceremony time, and this one is stormy.

Receive roses: Chris L., Frank, Roberto, and Kirk

Says goodbye: Ty

After handing out her final rose to Kirk, Ali offers to walk Ty out to his limo in the rain—it’s dramatic, it’s against doctor’s orders, and it’s the end of the journey for the first guy who brought out his guitar on the show.

Hometown dates here we come!