Recap: The Bachelorette, Ep. 4

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This week, Ali and her men covered lots of ground. So, in the words of advertising account executive Kasey, “Jump in. Stay awhile.”

Chris Harrison kicks off Episode 4 by asking our 11 remaining suitors, “How far would you travel to fall in love? We’re about to find out.” He’s right, because every last one of them signed waiver forms back in March. Even the Weatherman—who, this week especially—looks like he isn’t old enough to do so. The first stop on Ali Fedotowsky’s tour-de-heart: New York City. Let’s fist bump. Frank, who reminds everyone watching that he couldn’t pretend to know how to fix a car back on episode 2 by telling the cameras, “I’ve done amazing things with Ali already. If we’re going around the world, it’s only going to get better,” takes the travel plans particularly well. So does Chris L., who’s looking forward to a “home court advantage.” He lives in Cape Cod.

Ali’s exited, too. “Traveling with someone is how you get to know everything,” she says, beaming. Then she takes off for New York City on her own, getting to know exactly nothing about anyone. Oh well! InStyle editor Hal Rubenstein and a hair and makeup team is on hand in NY to teach Ali the hard-knock lessons of big city style before her next three dates. The takeaways? Brushing your hair is good. Indulging catty stylists who are laughing on the inside when they ask you about the guys (emphasis theirs) you’re dating is bad. And having your photo taken by (and—SURPRISE!—included in) a magazine is just one stop on the journey to true love. After going all Blair Witch Project with a handheld on the commercial flight across the country, the guys are also ready to roar in NYC.

Let’s Do What Comes Natural
Before the boys have time to live up to their idea of “living it up” in their 35th fl. hotel suite, Chris Harrison drops by with a date card, and luckily for true romantics and vicious cynics everywhere, Kasey gets the first one-on-one. To express his excitement, he says some very sweet things very poorly, which makes the Weatherman jealous “as usual.” Ali drops by, picks Kasey up, and before you can scream “but speech therapy works!” six times at the TV, their off on a caption-friendly helicopter ride, where Kasey’s finally free to express his big bleeding heart with the help of cold, hard type.

Once on the ground and sharing a picnic dinner with Ali, Kasey pours it on even thicker, which, in his case, means switching from prose to verse. He sings:

When I was flying in the helicopter
Over this amazing city
I looked to my left
And never saw something so pretty

At the end of tonight
I’m not just your average Joe
And I hope in my hindsight
I’ll see and find a rose

Ali stares at him in horror. A lone, ironic seagull caws. The producers, going for an Emmy, fade to black.

After a commercial break that lets viewers regain their composure, Ali and Aaron Neville Kasey run around the American Museum of Natural History after hours all by themselves except for that one totally random person who ends up in the background of a shot. Kasey makes monkey sounds, Ali runs away, and he tells the camera. “I do deserve the rose. I do.”   

His “I Do”s behind them, Ali and Kasey sits down so he can give his“ guard and protect” stump speech and break into another verse (same tune):

The night that I first saw you
I was staring through dark glass
And I knew at that first moment
That you and I would last…

Ali, questioning R. Kelly’s Kasey’s sanity sincerity, does not give him a rose, but asks him to stick around so he can show her his “real side.” Holding back tears and a tune, he promises he will.

Let’s Play
Next up, Ali, who’s come down with a head cold from Kasey’s emoting, takes Roberto, Jesse, Kirk, Frank, Jonathan, Craig R., and Chris N. on a group date to Broadway, where they change into primary-colored shirts and black spandex to audition for a cameo in The Lion King. The forecast according to the Weatherman: good. The actual weather: scattered showers.

Ever earnest in odd getups, the guys get down to singing and dancing. Jesse harmonizes, Kirk’s voice breaks a window, Ali tries to forget the other “song” (see above) burned in her brain, Ty grooves in the background, and Roberto looks Ali in the eye. The Lion King producers, recognizing Truth and Courage when they see it, select Roberto for the part.

The Weatherman’s revised forecast: a shit storm! For the rest of the evening, Jesse, Kirk, Frank, Jonathan, Craig R., and Chris N. get to watch Ali and Roberto learn some provocative choreography (“His head is in her cleavage!”) and bask in the bright lights of theatre in front of people who payed good money to see professionals do the job.

Forget the swindled public—Frank is feeling insecure. And sad. And, presumably, like less of a screenwriter-man than he is because he lives at home in Chicago. To cheer him up, Ali, who has really taken a turn for the worse after her Broadway debut, takes a walk with him in the rain and gives him a big wet kiss. As Tylenol Cold & Flu execs get ABC sales reps on the horn, Frank tells Ali he wants to catch whatever she has. A flu-like symptom (read: barfing) spreads around the world.

Back upstairs, poor Ali coughs around the room, trying to get to know Craig R. and Chris N. better. Not to be ruled-out by anyone but himself, Jonathan decides to “take the bull by the horns” by approaching Ali for some one-on-one time, then inexplicably offers to come back later before she can even respond. Kirk finally puts an end to the madness by telling Ali she needs to go to bed—and that he needs to tuck her in himself. Three germ-filled kisses in, Ali decides not to give out a rose and heads upstairs for a bedtime story with Kirk instead. Frank, Jesse, Jonathan, Craig R. and Chris N. let out a collective primal scream. Kirk dives into Jung.

The next day, Chris Harrison is back with another date card, albeit one without a cheesy fun come-on. I’m super sick, Ali writes to Chris L., so come spend your birthday taking care of me in my suite. What an offer! A genuinely good guy, Chris L. does just that, and he shows up with soup and flowers that look just average enough for him to have actually picked them out without the help of show producers (God knows he picked that striped polo/thermal combo himself). Inside the death den, Chris L. tells Ali about his family, who he loves, and single-handedly brings The Bachelorette franchise back to Earth with his normalcy. Well maybe not. But it is enough to get Ali out of her turquoise polka dot pajamas (InStyle makeover take hold!) and out to dinner for a rose handout, a private rooftop concert by Joshua Radin (Ali’s favorite, Happy Birthday Chris!), and a genuinely sweet (but still germy) first kiss.

Meanwhile, back on the 35th fl., things have taken a left turn into crazy. Kasey, who apparently cried “Opposites Day!” when Ali asked him to be real, goes and gets a tattoo of a shield protecting a heart on his wrist to prove his I-don’t-know-what. Then, in a moment of clarity, he tells the other guys he spent the day at the hospital getting treatment for a burn. That’s not funny.

At last, it’s time for a rose ceremony. But before Ali can make her way around the room, Justin calls Kasey (whose pumpking shirt and tie prove he’s incapabale of making a good decision) a “fibber,” forcing Kasey to reveal his tattoo to the group. “All you guys are diamonds in my heart,” he tells the guys, pointing out 11 studs in the design. That’s not funny either.

Luckily, the Weatherman steps in with a guitar he’s been hiding under his bed to provide much needed relief. He proceeds to make Kasey look like Sinatra, then earnestly declares himself “more of singer-songwriter.” Simon Cowell quits again.

In the final, suspense-filled minutes of the night, Frank swoops in before Kasey can show Ali just how real he and his tattoo are, and Chris Harrison brings the rock opera that was episode 4 to a close.

Receive roses: Kirk, Frank, Craig R., Chris N., Roberto, Justin, Ty, and Kasey

Say goodbye: Jonathan, Jesse

 Next up? We’re off to Iceland! See you next Tuesday.