I’ve been toying with the idea of recapping The Bachelorette for a little while now—since Jillian Harris met her first three limos of suitors back on season 5. But it wasn’t until watching last week’s premiere of season six starring Ali Fedotowsky that I knew I’m really here for the right reasons: Love is grand. Dating is funny. And dating 25 on 1 is hilarious. Sure, there’s a lot of other Bachelor and Bachelorette blogs already out there, but to steal a phrase from already-booted outdoorsman Kyle, “I mean, I’ve killed a bear.”
Let’s get going.
This week’s episode kicks off with sensitive “screenwriter” Frank finding out he gets the first one-on-one date with Ali. He responds appropriately by warning the cameras that he’ll be heartbroken if he doesn’t get a rose at the end of the date. We’re one rose ceremony and one date card in and heartbreak’s around the corner, right on time.
Luckily for Frank, things with Ali, who’s out to find out if they have a “spark,” get off to a sweet start. “I’ve got a beautiful girl, we’re cruising down the highway in this [vintage car], what could go wrong?” he asks. Well, the car could die on the highway—and it does, along with Ali’s braid. Rather than lend a hand or, you know, look under the hood for some chivalry, Frank cracks a joke about having to walk home. They hail a cab and Ali’s impressed that he “went with it”—all the way to the Hollywood Walk of Fame, the first stop on their date. (“We’re in L.A.,” Ali explains. “Where else to go?” Well, I’m glad she asked, but for brevity’s sake…)
After posing for photos in front of Grauman’s Chinese Theatre, Frank and Ali unlock a fence in the hills and hike down to the Hollywood Sign. The view is spectacular, the opportunity rare, and the conversation all first-datey. Ali asks Frank about quitting his job and moving to Paris to follow his heart as a screenwriter. Instead of clearing up that whole “I moved to Paris#I live with my parents” misunderstanding from last week, Frank simply offers Ali this pearl of unemployed wisdom: “Career will always be there. You only have so many shots at finding love.” And it works! Like the view! Frank scores the first kiss. Later, Ali and Frank picnic on top of the car (which makes a rather supernatural return in the Hollywood Hills) and Ali gives Frank a rose, telling him, “There’s nothing, like, normal about you!” Cute!
Meanwhile, back at the house, dark clouds are gathering, where dental salesman Craig M. provokes the other guys with words I could not hear because his fedora and evil smirk were so loud.
Soon enough, Malibu Beach House Ali treats twelve guys to a group date in Malibu, where they shoot a “Sexy Guy Calendar” with a renowned photographer for charity. The guys, decked out mostly in Speedos, do their best to stand out on the sand. Medical salesman Ty grabs a guitar and sings Ali a ditty. Weatherman Jonathan dons an unfortunate duck-shaped pool tube. And Craig M., with what looks like cognac in one hand and a cigarette in the other, does his best Patrick Bateman-turned swimsuit model impression. And it’s really good! For charity!
Later, the group retires for a cocktail party where the Weatherman goes on the record—with the cameras—to upgrade Craig M. from Bizarro Man of Mystery to Dangerous Person. “He’s an evil dude,” Jonathan wines. “He’s poison… He’s an egomaniacal jerkoff.” And it’s true! But he’s fun to watch, like The View, so does it matter?
Elsewhere, Ali cuddles with entertainment wrestler Justin and tells him that she likes him and hopes he likes her back. Why? Who knows! It her feelings, OK? Ty gets the rose for opening up about his first marriage, and the night ends with Dangerous Person Craig looking worse for a second, mean-spirited tiff with Jonathan.
In the morning, general contractor-sometime beefcake Jesse sets off for his one-on-one date with Ali. The couple head off on a private jet to Vegas, hop in a red Ferrari, and end up at Liquid, where they swim, hug, and giggle. Jesse’s take on the bachelorette? “Ali and I would be a hot couple. She’s a girl I would date back home.“ That’s right. Poor Jesse thinks he’s guesting on The Hills, not a show that culminates in engagement and, ideally, marriage, like, you know, back home.
Oh well! After their private swim, Ali and Jesse get all dressed up for the Met Ball and then have dinner in a suite where they bond over hailing from teeny-tiny towns. For being “a solid guy,” Jesse gets a rose—and a concert by Jamie Cullum.
The forecast is still stormy back at the bachelor pad, where Craig M., drink still firmly in hand, puts on a “Weatherman fashion show” for the guys, strutting around in Jonathan’s clothes, which, on tape, is even creepier and flashier than it sounds.
Unfortunately, he’s back in his own three-piece suit for the rose ceremony, where Ali vaguely blows off landscaper Chris L., plays a flirty game of catch with insurance salesman “Robert-O” Roberto and makes out with Frank. Pushed to the breaking point by all things Craig M., Jonathan rips the “Opposites Don’t Attract The Same Person” page from Ali’s Book of Relationship Law and threatens—the cameras—to leave if Craig M. gets a rose.
And yet, when Craig M. finally gets a moment alone with Ali, who asks him, essentially, to clarify if he’s a Nervous Dangerous Person or just an Uninterested Dangerous Person, he deflates into a sort of normal, stammering loser. Sure, he half finds it hysterical that Jonathan called him dangerous, but by the time he calls the guys together so he can rain scorn upon the weatherman’s head, he’s clearly lost his mind—and special brand of intrigue. And just in time for the rose call!
Received roses: Kasey, Hunter, Roberto, Chris L., Justin, Steve, Kirk, Jon C., Craig R., Chris N., Jonathan N., Frank, Ty, and Jesse.
Going home: Tyler, Chris H., and Craig M., who closes the episode muttering something about there being more fish in the sea. Well, maybe. But is Rozlyn Papa still available?
See you next week.