The Euros of Hollywood Lives Up to Low Expectations

The stars of Bravo’s newest reality show live out every Los Angeles stereotype but with thicker accents

Bravo continues its quest to give absolutely everyone on earth a reality show. The network’s latest venture? Euros of Hollywood. The show, which premiered on Monday night, features six European transplants searching for their golden tickets in Los Angeles. These aren’t your typical rags to riches tales, more like riches to greater riches. This is Bravo after all; you’re either rich or formerly rich and filing for bankruptcy. The Euros come from different cultures, but they live in a familiar universe, one where diamonds and designer labels are the lingua franca. They’re flamboyant, extravagant, and ridiculous but definitely not boring. With their grand aspirations and made-for-TV personalities, they’re also cookie cutter stereotypes of how outsiders expect Angelenos to be. A toast for the deeply shallow.

Massimo Dobrovic
Historians have yet to discover the precise origin of the “Gay or European?” meme but Massimo would be one of its first objects of inquiry. We’re talking yellow suits, leopard print robes, and tees tighter than Spanx (for the record, he says he’s straight). Nothing the man does is subtle; even his intimate dinner parties deserve Michelin stars. Back in Italy he’s a successful actor, but he’s come to Hollywood with a plan to win an Oscar. Basically, he’s a flashier version of every local waiter.

Stuck up and self-absorbed, this international pop star is the Madonna of Albania. Yes, really. (Is she big in Luxembourg, too?) In her native country she’s chummy with the Prime Minister. Here she’s virtually unknown. Despite her diva antics she lives anonymously among us mere mortals. It’s a source of much frustration, which she often takes out on her costars—and almost everyone else who makes eye contact.

Sascha Gerecht
By stereotypical standards, if you live in this city, you’re either an entertainer or entrepreneur. Sascha happens to be both. This workaholic is a DJ, music producer, clothing designer, and nightclub and restaurant owner who still finds time for frequent gym visits. And you thought you were an overachiever. While his wife and two kids still live in Germany, Sascha’s trying to create an empire. His goal? He wants to be bigger than Arnold Schwarzenegger (hopefully without a cheating scandal).

Jannik Olander
Owner of jewelry line Nialaya, the Danish “king of bling” named his company after a shaman he met in India. He’s the “zen” import, burning sage, practicing yoga, and meditating. If this were 2005, he’d have a red Kabbalah string tied around his wrist. Jannik doesn’t wear denim cutoffs or drive a Prius. With a young, American girlfriend on his arm, he sports crisp blazers and roams the city in a pearl white Bentley. Namaste.

Isabel Adrian
Hollywood marriages aren’t of the low key, “white picket fence” variety. This is a city full of power couples, and Isabel got the memo. With her husband Steve Angello of EDM trio Swedish House Mafia, the model and TV personality has journeyed to the U.S. and become a player in the music industry, even helping her fellow Euros navigate their careers. She and her husband are the self proclaimed Brad and Angelina of Sweden. Isabel has the pillowy lips but she only has two kids. Time to start calling adoption agencies.

In her skintight dresses and sky-high heels, platinum blonde Fawni looks like the sort of woman a retired millionaire would bring to a cocktail party so everyone could awkwardly wonder: granddaughter or paid escort? Like some of her castmates, she has found success in music and scored a #1 hit in Japan. Her singing career fizzled when she divorced her husband/manager, but this Austrian is bouncing back as an artist, a pretty good one too. Watch out, world. She’s Andy Warhol with Paris Hilton’s wardrobe, and she’s ready to “grab life by the testicles.” Ouch.