It’s the homecoming show we sort of wanted to miss—went to our ten year high school reunion and hit our quota—but you know how reunions work: you hem, you haw, you suck in your gut and go.
In that half-hearted fraternal spirit we’ve selected superlatives for this season’s The Bachelor: The Women Tell All. We won’t know who from the class is Most Likely to Marry Ben Flajnik until next week, but these awards should hold you over until then.
Biggest Bachelor Alum Player
Ed Swiderski. And after his fantasy suite date fail, who saw that coming?
Biggest Step Backward
Ali flirting with Frank. Yes, it’s too soon. It will ALWAYS be too soon.
Jennifer. From her bright red hair to her fresh and pretty makeup—the breakup with Ben did her looks good!
Kacie. She makes a plunging neckline look charming, and that’s tougher than rappelling down a Swiss alp.
Most Likely Not to Change That Much After The Bachelor
Courtney. She welled up, she struggled to speak, and yes, she issued some very big, seemingly heartfelt apologies. But we get the sense Courtney is Courtney, in good times and in bad. Change isn’t for everyone.
Most Disappointing No Show
Grandma. We can’t be the only ones wondering, Where is she now?
Samantha. “All I can say, is…” ten thousand mean-spirited, nonsensical things—and really loudly!
Brittney, to Samantha: “You are like the Chihuahua in the house, you don’t stop talking.” We’re never pro name-calling, but this was surprisingly effective.
Most Likely to Succeed
Emily. Her take on Ben: “If you’re going skinny dipping with a girl… you’re just thinking about sex, you’re not thinking about a relationship.” Ding, ding, ding!
Most Over Asked Question
“What went wrong?” Ladies, see Emily.
Nicki. She still has super strong feelings for Ben and makes us believe after all these cynicism-inducing years that finding love on The Bachelor is as likely as hot tubs and red roses.
Fine, we’ll admit it, we’re glad we came. Rest up, we’ve got a very big date next week. See you then!