Based on my somewhat sketchy recollection of the information contained in Bachelor villain Courtney Robertson’s 2014 tell-all book, I Didn’t Come Here to Make Friends, being a Bachelor franchise contestant is not unlike being a Guantanamo detainee. But, like, a Guantanamo detainee who has been brainwashed by the guards into believing that her captor is her sole salvation and who has to take laxatives to poop because her body is all screwed up from traveling and being cooped up with a bunch of other detainees who are forever doing their hair and makeup in the poop room.
Suffice it to say, it’s no wonder these people go a little nuts on the journey to love. Here are eight signs that all of the asinine group dates, helicopter fumes, and rose ceremonies have begun to deteriorate a person’s sanity. (List compiled with the help of Marielle Wakim and her watching group.)
They get wasted on night one
A thing most adults know is that if you don’t eat any supper and then proceed to put away an entire bottle of champagne while a camera crew tests your ability to withstand extreme sleep deprivation, chances are you will get very drunk and start acting weird. A recent example: Ryan M. (Kaitlyn’s season), who did a few keg stands (or whatever) and started barking at a shiny Ian Ziering lookalike about arriving in a hot tub car, which, to Ryan’s credit, was pretty dorky.
Everything becomes a trigger
The average grownup person can get through an entire day—hell, maybe several in a row—without having an emotional breakdown. Under duress as they are, Bachelor franchise contestants do not always excel when it comes to demonstrating this ability. Case in point, Annaliese, who was driven (har har) to tears during two group dates because of harrowing childhood incidents. Childhood trauma is no joke—but it is sort of funny when a person’s trigger is bumper cars. Also dogs, but there was a lot to unpack in that story that had nothing to do with dogs.
They spend all of their one-on-one time talking shit about another contestant
I mean, we get it. Krystal is a lot and she throws tantrums and has two voices, one for regular times and one for romance times. But, c’mon, you cannot waste your daily ten minutes of falling-in-love-with-Arie time trying to convince him that she sucks. No one will ever learn, and in troubling times like these, it’s nice to have something we can rely on.
They fake an injury or illness to get extra one-on-one time
Feeling ignored? Need a little extra TLC in advance of another contestant’s one-on-one date? As Tierra demonstrated during Sean Lowe’s season, throwing oneself down a staircase isn’t the worst strategy. See also: faking hypothermia.
They become incoherent (or whatever this was)
Did we ever get to the bottom of what happened to Ashley S.’s brain during the Chris Soules paintball date? Either she was angling for screen time by rambling about a Colorado national park and mistaking pomegranates for onions, or she legitimately had a break with reality. Her episode at least started a conversation about network television’s potential complicity in exploiting mental illness for entertainment’s sake (a conversation that went no where and changed precisely nothing).
They fetishize roses and make everyone uncomfortable
You went on a date and you got a rose and you want to gloat. We get it. But give it a rest with the prolonged whiffs and please stop rubbing it all over your face. Save it for the fantasy suite.
They start compulsively eating cold cuts
As meathead Chad began his descent into madness during JoJo Fletcher’s season, he started compulsively cramming sliced meats into his maw. Everyone knows that eating is not allowed when you are courting the Bachelor or Bachelorette. But Chad also wasn’t much of a rules guy.
They resort to physical violence
Yes, Evan could be a pretty punchable lil’ fella, but Chad didn’t have to go ripping his shirt. Do some push-ups, eat some ham, and go lie down.
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