Avocados Wait for No Man

Food expiration dates: personified

Bananas are like, clock is ticking, but I’mma give you a minute.

Carrots are fine, they’re fine, they’re good, all good, everything’s chill, still chill, ohhhh, man, what happened to the carrots?

Oranges do not consider it any of your damn business.

Tomatoes know they will last longer in the refrigerator. They want to be left on the counter anyway. Every tomato is a hero.

The asparagus politely requests that you make plans in advance.

Potatoes hang around so long they should pay rent.

Celery is a metaphor for any earnest endeavor.

A butternut squash will attend your funeral.

Bell peppers are nature’s grandmas.

Mangoes live their best lives for exactly three minutes.

Cabbage will wait patiently until it’s the last thing in your refrigerator and it will still be there for you because cabbages are loyal in ways that humans are not because cabbages are better than us.

Broccoli ages like presidents.

Garlic will be there for you longer than 3 out of every 5 of your relationships.

Red apples: “Whenever you need me. A week? A month from now? Cool. I’ll be here in the crisper all Dorian Gray.”

Avocados simply do not have time for our bullshit.

Joe Donatelli is the Senior Writer at Los Angeles magazine. You can follow him on Twitter @joedonatelli and Facebook. He wrote Richard Simmons Is Missing, and This Podcast is Trying to Find Him.