When Michael Cohen publicly testified before the House Oversight Committee on Wednesday, February 27—talk about some must-see TV—one of the questions he said a hard and fast “no” to, and we paraphrase, was: Can you testify right now that you will not consider writing a book or accepting a TV or movie deal based on your relationship with the President?
That means, hey, studios, publishers, and literary agents: It’s open season! And why not Michael Cohen: The Movie? Michael Cohen: The Miniseries? Hand it over the Ryan Murphy (The People v. O.J. Simpson) or Adam McKay (Vice) and let them do their thing. If Dick Cheney can sell tickets, why not Cohen? It’s all a political circus, after all—a reality TV star starring in a reality show about the White House.
So to all would-be profiteers of The Michael Cohen story, we’ve got your ideal casting right here. Of course, Christian Bale could easily slip into any one of these parts, despite age or size, so we’re not even going to bring him up.
Already played Cohen so credibly on SNL that we didn’t realize it was the beloved Something About Mary star. And they’re nearly the same age: Stiller is 53 an Cohen is 52. People apparently age better when they aren’t paying off porn stars for a political aspirant.
You can’t miss that resemblance—and he’s already got a New York accent.
He’s got that “aw shucks, I’m really a good guy, but a bit of an asshole” vibe.
Two years older than DJT, and if he could pull off Liberace—well, add a big gut and a big bravado and voila. Plus Trump really is an exaggerated version of Gordon Gekko.
Sure, he’s a major liberal, but he’s played the frumpy smiling bad guy.
If you think it takes a staunch Republican to play a stauncher Republican.
Like the First Lady, rather opaque. Plus decent facial resemblance—self-tanner will be required.
Really a brunette with almond eyes, she’s also good at being an ice cold queen—as we know. In the Game of Trump, you win or you die. Or you write a book.
She’s got hauteur down and could sure pull off the Dolce and the heels.
Donald Trump Jr.
A real slick joker, and he looks like him. Easy to laugh at.
He can mimic anyone and he’s convincing as a bad guy pretending to be decent.
Similar facial features, big white teeth, and hard to read.
Age appropriate, with gravitas galore, but can an arch conservative play a Clinton buddy?
Mysterious, sly, and he was also the clean-up man in Pulp Fiction.
Very convincing as an intelligent liberal, and he’s got the right hair.
Age appropriate, and she tore it up with her “Complicit” routine on SNL.
She’s got the Stepford thing down.
Straighten the hair and turn on the resting bitch face that got him an Oscar nom playing Mark Zuckerberg.
Good at smiling while he plays smarmy (again, see: The Social Network).
Younger, but slap a beret and black glasses on him, and you can see it. We know he can supply the slick sarcasm. Roger Stone, Roger Sterling…
Good at grouchy and crusty and utterly annoyed.
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