In Defense* of Los Angeles Times Columnist George Skelton’s Defense of Lawns

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Columnist George Skelton wrote an ode to lawns in today’s Los Angeles Times that shed bright new light on the merits of green grass. These six insights make us want to turn our sprinklers on 24/7, drought be damned.

1. “It absorbs noise.”
Even when those lawnmowers are screaming at maximum decibels, you can’t hear a thing.

2.“If a green lawn isn’t important to you, there are many other places to call home in the developing countries of Central America, Africa and the Middle East, where dirt dominates.”
Those dark patches you can see from the air and under every freeway overpass in L.A.? Merely tasteful shading. No dirt dominates the land of the free.

3.“It cools temperatures and becomes a sort of air conditioner while saving energy.”
Spread yourself on a grassy patch in Tujunga at the height of summer and you’ll see what he means. Just don’t forget your parka.

4.“But it does enhance property value and can keep the neighborhood mellow.”
Compare the dry weedy lots of Pacoima to the lush emerald environs of Bel-Air. Then compare crime rates and property values. Enough proof for ya?

5.“Drought-tolerant landscaping. Ground cover and shrubbery such as lamb’s ears, blue oat grass (looks like a bristly porcupine), lavender and blue sage. Good vegetation for snakes to hide in.”
Kids, stay away from the LAVENDER! And for God’s sake, don’t set foot in the kill zones of Griffith Park and the Santa Monica Mountains unless you’ve got an EMT in tow.

6.“The point [of a lawn in your front-yard] is an eye-pleasing delight that induces tranquility and even can serve as a cheap shrink.”
As your therapist and your duly accredited blade of grass, I recommend you free yourself of all these drought delusions post haste. Here’s a prescription for a thorough dousing of Miracle-Gro to set your mind at ease. Always worked for me.

*Not really