Brown v. Whitman v. Prince von Anhalt

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It’s official: the pre-preliminary race for Governor of California is getting interesting. Yesterday Prince Frederic von Anhalt, the Duke of Saxony (yes, Zsa Zsa Gabor’s ninth husband—yes, the one who briefly claimed paternity of Anna Nicole Smith’s daughter after Smith’s death in 2007) announced he’d like The Governator’s job, unveiled a campaign billboard on the Sunset Strip, and posted his governatorial platform under the slogan “Return the Good Life to California” on his personal Web site.

It reads, in part:

  • I will stay at home and PROMOTE CALIFORNIA PRODUCTS. We have the best Avocados, Oranges, Wine, Weather Beaches and Marijuana.
  • CREATE A SIN TAX. Legalize Marijuana and Tax it… Add a Additional 10 cent tax on every Drink Sold in a Restaurant or Tavern. Add a buck to every liquor bottle and pack of cigarette sold.
  • OPEN THE BORDERS WITH MEXICO And let our Workers in so we can Tax them…
  • ADJUST THE DMV FEES. They’re outrageous. Last year they Raised my fees $600. This is not the way to balance the budget…
  • GET OFF OIL, GET ON THE SUN AND RIDE THE WIND. Mandatory Solar Panels on every New Building…
  • OVERTURN PROP 8. Throw the Divorce Lawyers a Bone and quiet the Gays. I believe in marriage between men and women, but I am also a defender of the constitution which says equal rights for all. Let them be as miserable as the rest of us.
  • LIFT THE IMPORT BAN ON CUBAN CIGARS and products in general. It hasn’t worked for the past 50 years. Plus I like smoking them and so does Arnold. Why should we have to get them smuggled in from Canada or Europe? It’s ridiculous. …

DMV fees are outrageous, but Frederic’s plan to “add a buck,” let our “workers” in, throw lawyers “a bone,” “quiet the gays,” and enjoy Cuban cigars and other contraband (and to do so with as many erroneously capitalized letters as possible) seems too politically incoherent, too outrageous (if refreshingly off-the-cuff) itself to be real.

The Huffington Post called Prince Frederic’s intention to run for Governor a “game-changing shift in the California political landscape.” It’s that, and so much more. It’s something only a Zsa Zsa Gabor-ism could explain.