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All The Bawdy Ladies

Stellar Speechifying at ELLE magazine’s Women In Hollywood Awards

Nine superstar gals were listed on ELLE magazine's Women In Hollywood award show invitation: Susan Sarandon, Elle Fanning, Kristen Wiig, Uma Thurman, Sarah Jessica Parker, Emma Watson, Octavia Spencer, Cate Blanchett, and Shirley MacLaine. Each lady, along with someone to introduce them, spoke at the event, and that’s a lot of speechifying (18 people and 4 hours to be exact). But you couldn’t get my bottom off my stark white seat (the Four Seasons petite ballroom was enveloped in white, punctuated only by red and orange flowers) as editor-in-chief Robbie Myers gets such a great crowd. Those at the podium swore a blue streak (Allison Janney and Emma Stone), cried (love ya Octavia Spencer), or were just very excited to be hobnobbing with the big girls (sweet Elle Fanning and Emily Watson). The acceptance speeches at this event are always pretty go-fight-win, but this year my drinking game didn't pay off. I sat by actress-director Julie Delpy and we poured our glasses of wine to the top and were all set to take a sip whenever someone uttered the word “journey.” But it only happened once—these women are way beyond that. Had we chosen to drink at each mention of a bodily function instead, we would have gotten sloshed. Here’s some PG-13 samples of what was said:

Joel McHale (brilliantly funny event emcee): “No red wine in this room! Somewhere in this white room—hiding—is Tilda Swinton and Paul Bettany with their eyes closed. Find them and win a six month subscription to ELLE magazine.” McHale swore he used this joke last year: “Let’s get going before everyone’s menstrual cycles sync up.”

Kristin Wiig: “I feel so much pressure to be funny right now. I have not pooped in four days…I’m going to the drug store later.”

Leslie Mann (to Wiig): “I don’t want to make you jealous. But I just pooped—a lot.”

Robert Pattinson ended his ode to co-star Uma Thurman with: “See Bel Ami, it’s available on Video On Demand…and never make me do a speech again...” (FYI: When he is not a vampire, RPattz mumbles like a toothless geezer.)

Judd Apatow: “I am in comedy, therefore I am dead inside.”

Susan Sarandon: “I went to the Internet to look for a quote and spent 20 minutes on the Shaming Dog site. Go to it, it’s a really funny site.”

Shirley MacLaine: “I have so many people I’d like to thank, but they are all dead. Don’t worry, I will speak to them later.”

Cate Blanchett: (shameless plug) “I use SKII even though they aren’t sponsoring this [event], it is a wonderful product.”

 
Photographs courtesy Jeff Vespa / Wireimage